American Heritage Dictionary tells us that forgive is:

1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.

2. To renounce anger or resentment against.

3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).

"More strictly: to forgive is to grant pardon without harboring resentment: Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." (Oscar Wilde)

 Forgiveness is an act of will; a difficult personal choice which relieves the forgiver of the effects of pain, hurt, resentment and anger around a situation. It is  letting go of animosity and ill-will. It is an act of courage because it involves letting go of an upset even though there is justification for holding it.

Just as forgiving a debt means letting go of what was owed. It is the same in forgiving an injustice. We are letting go of what we expect to get. It might be an apology, their understanding, or their punishment. The eye-for-an-eye viewpoint is let go of.

 However, it does not mean -to turn the other cheek- nor does it mean, to condone what was done. The offense is not justified in forgiving it. These distinctions are important because, for ages, they have been the major objections to forgiving.

Forgiving is an art. It is a process involving the movement of the heart & mind toward compassion, love, and understanding relieving us of fear, anger and hate. It is the ultimate human decision, which brings us closest to the human and divine ideal of Love and Peace. Thus, it fosters healing of the mind, spirit, and even the body.

Forgiveness sets limit on our negative self-destructive thoughts. The point of forgiving is to be free of the pain of an upset which occurred in the past. Thus, self-forgiveness is also included and extremely important because guilt due to past actions harms us in mind, body, and spirit.

It increases rational clarity, because it removes emotional upsets and stress that cloud our mind and heart. With that clarity, rational decisions can be made in all areas of life.

Plus, it wipes away the effect of the past whether it was thirty years ago or 15 minutes ago, allowing us to more fully experience the present moment which is the only time we really live.

Forgiveness is the process of taking our power and control back from the other person. Through it we take back our happiness. Thus our happiness is dependent on our own actions, not on another person. It is our decision alone. That decision can be made at anytime. Of course, it is easier if the person apologizes, or changes their behavior, but those things are not necessary for forgiveness to occur.

What it is not

• Forgiveness is not the condoning of a bad behavior, or the justifying of an offense.
• It is not dependent on apology, or whether the person will ever be talked to again.
• Forgiveness does not imply turning the other cheek to allow the offense to occur again.
• It does not demand reconciliation. Reconciliation which is the coming together again of two upset parties is not necessarily the outcome of forgiving. A person can forgive and choose to never see the person again to protect themselves from abusive behavior. However, for effective reconciliation to occur, forgiveness of the offense or offenses must have occurred.
• It is not dependent on the person being alive or ever seeing them again.
• Whether the person deserve forgiveness is not the question, they might not. Though forgiveness can be an act of compassion for another, it can also be mainly for the forgiver so that they are no longer tortured by hate and anger.
• The offenders apology is not necessary. In fact, they might not ever apologize because they have a different perspective of what happened.
• Even though they keep doing the offense, forgiveness can still occur, because forgiveness wipes away the effect of the past even if it was only 15 minutes before.
• -Out of sight out of mind- or forgetting about it might not always be forgiveness but can be denial of the effect of the offending act. Forgiveness acknowledges what was done and chooses to let it go, but not through avoiding its impact on us. Avoiding just keeps the negative effects occurring below the surface of the mind.
• Forgiving is not losing. Losing is having to deal with the stress of anger and hate in your body that ruins relationships, and can even cause physical problems. What kind of winning is that?
• Forgiving is not the easy way out. It takes more courage, authenticity and integrity to let go of a justified upset and find peace. It takes courage to go through the wall of anger and resentment to the other side, the side of our highest possibility as a being.

These myths and misunderstandings about forgiving keep it from being done. I hope this summary has helped you to understand forgiveness and has moved you closer to forgiving.

Best Regards and Wishes to you,

Jim